*Warning: stream of conscious rambling, maybe a little off-topic for this blog, and probably too honest*
At one point yesterday, I was thinking about how it had been awhile since I have posted anything here. October has been a busy travel month for us and for someone who thrives on routine, it has really been messing with my willpower and motivation. See, it is hard to get in my scheduled workouts and classes whenever I am in another town.
And whenever I am not exercising regularly, I am not feeling good about myself or outlook in general.
When I do things, I tend to go ‘all in’- for good or bad.
Examples of Good “all in”: Nursing for 13 months, buying locally and eating leafy greens every day, making my daughter’s baby food, being a weekly volunteer at our Farmers’ Market, exercising almost daily, recycling everything, homemade crackers, home-canned tomatoes.
Negative effects of said “all in” personality trait: feelings of having to be perfect (perfect mother, perfect house, perfect body, perfect hostess, perfect eater), high anxiety, low to questionable idea of self-worth, high self-consciousness, constant existentialist questioning, obsessive calorie counting.
Then last night: eating 3 brownies, the equivalent of 4 macadamia nut cookies basically straight from the tub in the freezer, and a little bit of pumpkin fudge- washed down with 2 cups of coffee.
WHAT?!
And all that was after I had worked out, eaten a healthy snack of yogurt, oatmeal, and pumpkin afterward, eaten a ridiculously healthy dinner of spinach, garbanzo beans, carrots, tomato, and balsamic vinegar (no oil even).
So what happened? My sometimes compulsive unhealthy eating reared its ugly head is what. This is not new but it is new that I am putting it out there for everyone who reads this to know.
Remember that “all in” personality? Sometimes it comes out in the form of: obsessively healthy eating and exercising but then also compulsive eating of sweets. Anything in the house is fair game when I have these weird moments: raisins, frozen desserts, chocolate bits, maybe a homemade chocolate coffee cup cake- who knows where this weirdness will go.
Thankfully it doesn’t happen often. And you would never know by looking at me because I counter-balance it so well and diligently.
It happened last night and a little bit a few nights before. It makes me feel horrible about myself, but even worse is that out of control feeling after a day of being so controlled.
This, amongst my strong desire to just be healthy and have a ‘normal’ relationship with body image, food, and exercise.
I have struggled with this in some form since I was 18 years old. Maybe two people know. Now, many more will. I am hoping that putting it out there will help me feel less ashamed. I am also hoping that doing something I have never done before (telling all), will help me.
Because, actually- I don’t know what to do. What I do know though, is that it seems related to my anxiety/ stress levels.
And this, I think I need to work on.
But- how? I am wondering, how can I find a little peace with myself?
I really have it good. And I have it even better because I am only working part-time, which is suppose to decrease my stress levels. And, it has- except now I feel this need to up the perfection factor to make up for the loss in half of my income potential.
I don’t have answers right now. I am just hoping the outlet and honesty might help me.
I’ll probably post more about this later. To be continued….
No comments:
Post a Comment